Last month was my first column for Desire Magazine, called ‘Confessions of a City Swinger’ and the second will be out in their new issue, out next week. For those of you who missed it, here is the first installment. 
Dance of the Single male
A merciless Mark Farley has had enough of the lads who make him groan
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to what we like to call The Dance of the Single male. This is the annoying back and forth routine you have to tolerate with those who, despite clearly being what you’re looking for, attempt to snake charm you into letting them into letting them in your lair – generally to have it away with you.
It’s not that us gents aren’t partial to a threesome with a guy. Heather, my swinging partner, loves a lovely thick cock in her mouth while another pounds away from behind. But if Heather and I request a couple for a saucy bit of swapping action, then that’s what we’re after.
We often post on swinging sites asking for another couple, as in a man AND a woman. But our inbox quickly fills up with wanton single fellows. I’m sure some think that when they appear in front of us we’ll magically change our minds. ‘I know you’re looking for couples but…’ the correspondence always begins.
Heather and I have developed a similar-sounding groan when we check through the email responses. This frustrated sigh is followed by a bored scan through the rest of their (often incomprehensible) list of excuses as to why they have contacted us. They normally go along the lines of:
‘…I thought I might take a chance.’
‘…the sex you will have with me will be the best’ or
‘…I wanted to make sure you’re not left with no one to play with’
The latter being quite a rude and offensive assumption in itself really, as well as hilarious. They all get dumped in the trash folder.
One guy managed to get further than most. We got an email once from a Spanish chap who’d included a photo of himself and his girlfriend taken at some exotic beach destination. She was dark and slim, gym fit and toned, with long curly black hair and a sultry look in her eyes. There was promise of ‘lots of the bi-sex, yes?’ and we replied excitedly asking whether they were both free on a certain night. This was eagerly followed by a request from him to head to MSN. We did so, and the conversation soon started flowing:
‘Hi There, Are you free tonight then?’
‘Yes, we could do tonight. I come and then you call her when I get there.’
‘Errr.. Why don’t you just bring her with you?’
‘Well, we no live together. We just fuck buddy…’
‘Right… Well, why don’t you call her and see if she’s free?’
‘I try, but she no answer… She was out last night, probably very hungover.’
‘Ok, well she’s probably not going to be up for it if you come round and then call her, is she?’
‘Probably not. I just thought I’d offer anyway…’
We both groaned once more as we realised that we had taken part in a full blown single male dosey doe. Mr Time waster was duly struck off the list of guys that we might invite into our bedroom when Heather fancies a spit roasting. So please gentlemen, if you want some naughty action, I beseech you to behave.
