
Other authors featured include Sadie Wolf, January James, Elizabeth Cage, Eva Hore and Kitty Meadows to name a few.
Enjoy…

Other authors featured include Sadie Wolf, January James, Elizabeth Cage, Eva Hore and Kitty Meadows to name a few.
Enjoy…
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“Our favorite music inspires us to move, dance and, yes, get busy in more intimate ways. Love Notes celebrates dancing queens, rock stars, groupies, anthems and more as the characters stroke each other to the sounds that make them soar. One woman masturbates to her favorite song while a stripper slinks her way into a man’s life. From Madonna to Shania Twain to Led Zeppelin and beyond, they channel their favorite music to make love to.
Love Notes celebrates the erotic power of music to move us, whether it’s listening to a lover rock out, fantasizing about your rock star crush, or making the sweetest and sexiest of music together. Singers, sirens and dancing queens get busy to a sex soundtrack ranging from heavy metal to classical and beyond. Get ready to get serenaded, seduced, and smitten with Love Notes.”
I was so pleased to be asked to contribute to an anthology (not only by the great Rachel Kramer Bussel) but one about my two favourite subjects, sex and music and with that sort of brief, I could have gone wild and wrote some group scene involving a boutique hotel in Italy, Brody Dalle, Gwen Stefani and a large vegetable but no. I restrained myself and reminisced and riffed on a true life story, involving my girlfriend, a couple from the Midlands and Shania Twain. The story is called, ‘Shania in the Chatroom’ and you can get it here…
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That’s right. Courtesy of our friends at Lovehoney.co.uk, you can get ‘Seriously Sexy 3′, which includes my story, “Los Hermanos” (set on the Portobello Road and inspired by the many naughty spaniards I have met) over on their website throughout the whole month of February and get a free Bang Bang bullet vibrator (worth ten pounds!) if you go over to their website here and buy it! Enjoy….
Here’s a bit about the book:
The third in the seriously popular Serious Sexy series delivers another 20 red hot short stories that are guaranteed to send you to bedtime heaven. This compilation includes erotic tales from the hottest writers around.
“Amelia felt his strong hands cup her breasts and his fingers skimming her erect nipples through the fabric of her dress. She let out a small scream as he tore her bodice and got rid of the barrier of clothing between his hands and her breasts.” Excerpt from The Lady and the Highwayman by Charlotte Wickham.
With tales from various times in history of voyeurism, domination, submission, affairs and some of the most well written spontaneous sex to date, these short stories are without a doubt some of the best that you can get hold of! Read one a night or indulge in all of them at once, the choice is yours…
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I’m on Facebook. Look, right here… I’m happy if you want to add me. Like most of you in this wonderous world of uber-communication, I love a new introduction.
Well, that’s actually not true. I don’t.
If you are a stranger and I let you into my deviant little profile, your lucky. You’re even luckier if you get to stay. If I add you, you will also have to do what it says on the tin.. COMMUNICATE… If you add me and don’t communicate or at least poke, throw a sheep at or abuse me (this includes filthy, playful messages), you get fucking deleted it’s that simple. But more importantly, if you are a stranger or you are to anyone else…
Don’t just add me.
Introduce yourself, especially when you have no mutual friends as me. Per example, today I received a request from this guy ’seeking men’ (which happens a lot) in a suit, grinning away in his profile photo, gormelessly in his pug ugliness and tight fitting M&S threads. This gives you some idea the sort of man I attract.
Now I realise that I am a sexy piece of ass (this is more than made aware to me on a daily basis) especially if you are into pale, skinny guys with man breasts, funny hair, big nose and a small penis but again, why not attach some sort of introduction to your nonsense. As I said, we had no ‘mutual friends’ so I asked him, curious loike:
Me: “Who are you, please?”
Friend: “the resident PUA. Just noticed you reading the Game.” (Now I should probably have expected this maybe being attached to this book through Facebook, despite it being about a MAN who picks up WOMEN)
Me: “PUA?”
Friend: “Pick-up artist”
Me: “Resident of where exactly…”
Friend: “Cleveland” (we didn’t get as far as to find out whether he meant my Cleveland or the one in Ohio)
Me: “Well, sorry for putting a dent into your record. Adios Chubs… x”
Friend: “Bye Mark. You faggot.”
I’m the faggot?
Now, referring to his weight was probably a bit harsh (I was in a humourous mood in mood for some abuse and he tried to pick me up, so fuck his fat ass) but these perverts need to earn a lesson and none of us likes a pervert, do we?
Oh, wait…
Now, this whole back and forth of name calling could have gone on all day but I would have gotten bored at some point anyway, what with me having the advantage over him being a toothless tubby bastard and all (with only 9 virtual friends) so I blocked him and reported him to the administrators instead for harrassment and whereas that harrassment was more like ‘being humoured’, he caught me during a very random moment where I lacked a sense of humour .
..and I have enough ugly gay men on my friends list anyway. (Just kidding)
Maybe reading ‘The Game’ will fix whatever it is about me that turns me into man candy so much, but then I probably doubt it (I only want to read it because Courtney is in it and it was 25p in the Age Concern on Harrow Road that I went in to dump some old videos) because the sexism and dishonesty in it will probably make me throw it into the Grand Union canal at some point anyway.
I mean, it’s not like I have nothing else to read working in a bookshop…
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Over at Sex.Food.Play, the very naughty Jesse Blair has interviewed me to coincide with the release of the upcoming Ravenous Romance compilation, ‘Ambrosia’, a sexy collection of food and sex stories. Check it out…
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Feel free to browse through some of the great erotica collections from Xcite while you are there too. You may even come across little old me. What a lovely thought… x
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“The beautiful thing about learning is nobody can take it away from you.” -B.B. King
I have always encouraged by my peers to learn new skills wherever possible and within this current climate, something new to fall back on when it all goes tits up at work and the company I work for goes bankrupt at the directors laugh all the way to the bank, should always come in useful. Which is one of the reasons why I launched myself with great vigour towards the opportunity presented to me one day from a journalist friend.
“I’ve a bit of a favour to ask, a rather strange favour.” The email read. I was intrigued. “I’m doing a piece on this tantric workshop for couples and the guy I was going with has wussed out.”
“Of course, darling. Count me in.” I replied. She seemed surprised at my almost immediate response and one that rang of such willingness and ease.
“Great, you are so fab for doing this. Big kisses. It’ll be fun and we might even learn something.” she said.
“Let’s hope, hey? I’m looking forward to it and learning with you.”
I was certainly drawn to the learning aspect, what with New Labour’s drive at us all becoming more skilled in the back of my mind and I always feel duty bound to my government to take on new ways to contribute to society. But to be honest, I was more interested in being naked in a room full of people. Something that I never turn down, if I can help it.
Or at least that’s what I thought. Because you know what I was thinking about already, don’t you? I pictured other couples in a circle like in a lamas class while some ethereal lady in her fifties in an unfortunately loose fitting towel like Streisand in Meet the Fockers encourages us all to huff and puff and create guttural, chattering noises.
I followed the emailed instructions to where it was taking place. We were to meet at the London Tantric Temple but noticed that rather than some ancient palace of worship or communal centre where workshops like puppy training and Microsoft Excel for the over 60’s take place, I was actually being directed to a basement flat in a road in West Kensington. I didn’t know the area that well but noted that it was just around corner from the old Nashville Rooms, where The Jam, The Sex Pistols and Joy Division (amongst many others) used to play and also a place called West 14, where my friend Alys won a national singer/songwriter competition a couple of years ago.
I arrived at the flat and I meet the photographer for the magazine, who is waiting outside. There seems to be no answer. My friend arrives looking curious and the three of us try the bell again. Nothing. They must be meditating, I think to myself.
The door eventually opens by a young man and we are led through a corridor and into a kitchen, where we are offered a hot beverage and introduced to Freya, or should I say Goddess Freya. No, that’s not me imparting a charming compliment (we’ll get to them) but what we are told is her title and thus how she is introduced to us. As we collect ourselves and my friend chats to the photographer about mutual friends and working environments I’m not sure of, I ponder to myself how one officially becomes a Goddess. Perhaps there is some sort of night class or Open University access course one can take in their spare time. In actual fact, she had studied both Psychotherapy and NLP, not to mention training from one of the leading practitioners of tantra in the country. I felt that we may be in good hands, after all.
We were soon ushered into a room and it was only then that I realised that this was going to be more of an intimate affair and, as it turns out when the door is closed behind us, just the three of us. Myself, my friend and the Goddess. Suddenly, I feel rather glad that I came. Freya was like my friend, in her mid 20’s, long flowing curls and pointy boobs, quite evidently on show under a long flowing dress that was just held up at the neck in a loose knot that she would soon untie and let the whole ensemble drop to the floor. She floated around rather comely on the stripped hardwood floor in her bare feet. Yep, I thought. You’ll do.
The room was decked out like some sort of Omar Sharif film set and definitely not the sort of atmosphere I‘m used to. Velvet drapes, tea lights, incense, soft cushions, throws with Eastern patterns on them, all backed with a relaxation CD of animal noises backed to harpsichord. Dolphins or Whales, I think to myself. In fact, the only thing out of place but I guessed vital was the professional massage table in the centre of the room. Immediately though, the two of us sensed the obvious positive and sexual energy in the room. Not bad for a West London bedsit, I should say.
We changed into sarongs and the photographer quickly had us go through the different positions required for the piece before leaving us to it. Freya then lead us towards a mattress in the corner, covered in soft rugs and furnishings where a quick interview was conducted with a click of a tape recorder.
“It’s not a goal oriented experience,” she explained about how to truly honour and worship the body, as we looked on in wonder as we learnt all about female Shaktis and male Shivas. “It’s about really being in the moment and embracing the sensual beings that we all are.”
We were soon positioned so we were sat cross-legged opposite one another and our hands linked, with the Goddes facing our centre at one side. She taught us some breathing techniques and I tried as best as I could to let the stressful moments of the day peel away from me like layers, as she’d instructed. I’d come to this straight from work on a Friday evening, so suffice to say, there was enough peel to make a couple of jars of marmalade. Freya then encouraged my friend to sit in my lap with her legs wrapped around me and to hold our faces close so that effectively, we were breathing in and out of one another. A process that was extremely relaxing, not to mention both arousing and welcoming having a cute girl draped across my lap. I was beginning to like the Godess’ style, but her best was yet to come.
We were then motioned to a standing position where Freya untied my friend’s sarong and covered her eyes with a silk scarf, before duly exposing herself to us. Ever polite and chivalrous, I gladly removed my sarong also. Freya silently signalled me from the opposite side of the blindfolded body between us, taking my hands in hers around each side. She began to whisper the tantric monkier, ’beautiful Shakti’ as she ran her hands up and down her back while placing light kisses of worship on her shoulders and breasts, as I did the same. The Shakti’s blindfold was then removed and a surprised and curious look flashed across her face as she saw the both of us naked before her. The three of us embraced in a group hug and the idea that I could have been sat at home watching Casualty instead of where I was at that particular time, didn’t cross my mind at all.
Freya led us both by the hand to the massage table where we lay down our Shakti on her front. Large ostrich feathers were produced and I was shown the correct angle and tensile pressure to apply to the body in front of us as we both took one side. Hey, these things can get quite technical and it is important that you do it right.
Naked and with a large plume in each hand and with the surrounding smells and aromas, I felt a bit like Icarus. Especially being as taut, chiselled and gym fit as I am, of course. Soon they were taken from me though and Freya reached for my hands once more. She took my wrist in one of her hands and stroked my forearm.
“This is how light you want to be stroking.” she purred as her light touched scraped my skin and ran through the short hairs on my arm. I looked down at her shaven crotch as I attempted to negotiate exactly where to position the jutting length pointing out from me at this point. My problem was that the table was pretty much at the exact height of my crotch and as aroused as I was, the decision to either to keep it under the base and spend the entire time in a sort of crouched position. The other option was to place it on top where my Shakti was laying and in full view of the Goddess who was facing me during this time. It seemed an important one to fathom, as I imagined that it was going to be erect as this with no qualms whatsoever for the next couple of hours and being so substantial, I knew that it was important that my appendage didn‘t get in the way. In the end I got a little carried away as I moved up and down her body and it just ended up dragging along the mattress like a rolling pin attending to a large sheet of filo pastry.
Freya produced a couple of vails and poured out some warm oil onto my outstretched hands. I was surprised at how heated it was and the sensation made me shiver slightly.
“Watch out,” she says. “It’s a bit hot.”
I held onto it for a minute as I covered my hands in the sweet smelling substance before I applied it to the exposed shin on my side, mirroring Freya’s actions the whole time.
“Just copy what I do…” she mouthed. I ran my hands up and down her leg and across her back and at the top of the arm, sometimes passing and sometimes crisscrossing with Freya to her side over the base of Shakti’s spine and over the cheeks of her bum. We each spent time on the top of each of her legs, while breathing out light onto her sensitive areas. Freya certainly knew what she was doing because gradually I could feel the tense joints and limbs of the Shakti loosen and the sighs soon gave way to moans once we turned her onto her back and continued our stroking. She encouraged me to use my whole body within the massage and wherever possible my forearms, elbows and chest with the same light pressure. The both of us met at the Shakti’s breasts as we both lightly kissed and breathed on each of her nipples before lightly brushing her groin with each of our hands, our touches melting together as one. Freya applied a light cream to her hands and slowly warmed it in her hands while we observed the divine creature laid out in front of us, her senses and nerves heightened. The Goddess reached over for my hands and I threaded my fingers through hers as we placed them on the yoni and breast plate and once again relaxed in meditation. She continued her mantra,
“Beautiful Shakti…”
Our entwined fingers massaged the Shakti’s outer lips as Freya blew onto the yoni, breathing her unique healing light onto the area. We rubbed each outer lip slowly between our thumbs and forefingers, sliding up and down the entire length of the lip. Freya instructed the Shakti to keep on breathing to overcome her orgasm. I stood back slightly and watched on as the Goddess parted the Shakti’s thighs and massaged her clitoris softly. She breathed in and out, repeating her mantra as the Shakti’s turned it first clockwise and then the opposite way. Just as she was making the Shakti climax, she relaxed and got her to breathe in deeply along with her until her whole being heightened onto what this normally sceptic young man could only describe as another plain.
“Did we just have a threesome there?” my friend says to me, as we started to relax and hunt for our sarongs again. Goddess Freya mused at this and cocked her head to one side. I didn’t want to ruin the lovely mood by disagreeing her, so I made a non-committed sigh of agreement, thinking to myself that it was certainly nothing like the last time I was naked in a room with two girls. Some would say that the idea of being in this state of undress with two gorgeous feline specimens and there being no exchange of bodily fluids on your part would be somewhat frustrating. But it wasn’t at all.
I came out of the experience completely relaxed. I felt wholly aroused being in the presence of these two beautiful, naked creatures indulging in another, which definitely pleased my voyeuristic side and took satisfaction from giving, rather than receiving for a change. Not that I don’t like to give. There’s nothing better than giving someone attention, it’s just that I always feel that I don’t get long enough to play sometimes. I start to get warmed up and the person I’m with gets carried away and wants to move on. So the opportunity of giving someone the freedom to be comfortable enough to just be told, ‘Look, this is all about you tonight, just enjoy’ was very satisfying.
In also terms of satisfaction, for me, it’s all about the feeling you get when you see someone completely ecstatic about the gift you have given them. I actually never once thought about having penetrative sex with either of them, despite being incredibly attracted to them both. It was just all about the atmosphere and the energy of the moment. It was a wonderful, intimate liaison with someone who felt nothing like a near stranger at all, just a dear wonderful, caring friend. As we left, Freya gave me a warm kiss on the lips and squeezed my hand as my Shakti sailed out of the front door and onto the suburban street on her little cloud.
We crossed the road and headed towards the pub for a stiff one for her. I already had mine, of course. We sat in the aforementioned legendary London punk venue which is now an overpriced sports bar with skinheads and wannabe WAGS and I sat back in my large leather chair and watched my friend in front of me, still excited and aroused. She threw her arms all around as she spoke and recounted the entire past few hours, like she was still in some sort of trance. She urged herself to come down, to stop the heightened giggles and float down from the higher plain she’d achieved. But she didn’t want to.
“I’m going back. I’m going back next week.”
I laughed, but I knew she was being serious. Personally, I think I gained a lot from the night and that it‘s something I could learn a lot more about, I got to spend time with my more spiritual side (something that I don’t get the chance to do at all), I got to see my friend begin a journey on a path that I think she and her problems would benefit from (even the advanced techniques of yoni massage she wasn’t comfortable with on the night, ie penetration) to the point where I felt such a privilege that I got to take part in her experience. I felt that I learned so much, both about myself and my emotions and sensual side but also came away with a new skill that I could use with future lovers. And that I did.
My girlfriend was very intrigued about my new talent and booked herself straight in for a session with me and when my Facebook status revealed what I had been doing that evening, compared to my friends banalities of what they had for their tea and how long they spent at the gym, their curiosity also got the better of them. As a few of them have already found out, I’m the sort of guy that’s happy to share his knowledge.
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I’ve never been at ease with the concept of having a mobile phone. I actually refused to have one for a long time, until I got so sick of an ex-girlfriend badgering me so much to get one and I relented. I’ve had the same call package since then and that was only a few years ago in itself. I’ve had the same tariff and call package since then. A pay as you go thing. Phones have come and gone, been acquired etc to house the sim card, but never anything special, never anything flash. I have no desire to have an I-phone or check my email on some sort of special screen I can drag and demand it to make my tea on a morning or find me a new woman (blonde, large tits etc) and the ones I have had have been the very basic I could find, normally friends unlocked cast offs that are a little beaten up anyway. I then abuse/drop it all over until they too give up the ghost and move on elsewhere. Never have I paid for another. I won’t, because I’m a tight fuck.
Maybe its the intrusion, or maybe it’s the chore of carrying yet something else around with you. Yet something else to leave somewhere or forget on a morning when you are hungover and trying to race out the house. Yet something else to control our lives and make us inherently a source of some sort of multi-media laden nightmare trip to some kind of Willy Wonka type world.
I hear so many people say this to me,
“Oh, I can’t live without my mobile phone….my life is in there…I don’t know what I would do without it….”
Well, I’m certainly going to find out because I have decided to ditch mine. I’d throw it into the sea, if I lived on the coast. Yes, I’m really sick of it.
Those of you who know me and are on the very short list of people who actually call me anyway will not be surprised to hear that I do not like talking on the phone and I do realise to relish experience is probably an absolute fucking delight. But what can I say, I prefer you up close and personal, where I can see you and not on the end of a grainy line, with loud and obnoxious children or traffic in the background.
I hate talking on the phone. Did I mention that? I know that doesn’t really help in the sort of work that I have chosen/fell into because I wasn’t skilled to do anything else because a large part of the job (unfortunately) involves talking to asshol…. I mean, people on the phone. Well, luckily for me, I can moderately handle talking to strangers on the phone. Because I don’t know them. I don’t know what they look like, what they care about and I don’t crave the sort of physical contact from them than say, the people that I know and because of that, I don’t mind shooting what is often shit. Banal time wasting shit on all sides, at that.
Talking on the phone at home I don’t mind either. No, I’m not trying to put anyone calling me at all. I just hate being interrupted from that rare time I have to myself, when I am mobile. Wandering the aisles of Tesco’s or an overstuffed, dusty bookshop with character and without soulless, neon cardboard signage. Walking to and from work or going from here to there in the hope of seeing one of you ugly bastards. That’s my time, that’s my head space and right then, I don’t want to hear from any of you.
I hate that (like many others, I’m sure) process I have to annoyingly schlep through at work when someone deems their phone call, with a person miles away and clearly not important enough at least be in their presence, more important than showing SHEER POLITENESS in at least giving me a half hearted greeting that they don’t even mean as I provide them with a service, regardless of how much the bag I put your items into damages the environment.
“Why don’t you have paper bags?”
“Sorry madam, I think we waste enough paper with the actual books, don’t you?” I say ironically, as I glance down at the Fern Britton ‘autobiography’…
I had one of those moments in a HMV recently, the one in Covent Garden, downstairs in the classical section as it ‘was the only till point open due to breaks’ and the kid behind the till, weeks shy of puberty, gave me that same asshole look that I give to people as they witter away to their non-descript acquaintances about ‘Pooky’s Summer communal garden fete’ and how they must come and bring along their homemade rustic cobs and award winning leek jam as I purchased my Los Campesinos! album and talking to my friend who I was about to meet a matter of minutes later and who was re-iterating that they had actually arrived at the designated spot that I was about to meet her at.
So yeh, I’m not using the mobile anymore. Sorry. It may cause consternation. It may cause me to somehow miss connections or notifications of late arrivals or last minute change in plans but then you are all going to have to be more organised or a bit creative in the future.
If anything, it will make life a bit more interesting. God knows we need it.
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I’m awake. Well, actually, I’ve been awake for a number of hours. Lying awake in bed, next to the breathing corpse that is my lover. I wouldn’t say I’m an insomniac at all, but I am a light sleeper and once I am woken up after sleeping, I find it hard to go to nod off again. Especially if it is the heavy breathing next to me, or that subtle but accidental jab in the eye that wakes me. Not that I can ever sleep more than five hours at a time anyway.
Maybe it’s the amount of cheese I eat.
But let’s not make any mistake about it. It’s past the point of heavy breathing. Yes, I’m not talking about the sweet, decipherable if unignorable breathing of a supple feline creature that one may, with concentration, fall back into a wistful slumber while listening to. No, it sounds like someone going down on some sort of hump-backed, mythical creature.
When she is silent in her sleep, my girlfriend starts jabbering incoherently away instead. Now, this is not the sort of chatter that one can secretly learn something about their partner or discover intimate and salacious details, admissions and fantasies from the depths of her psyche. No, I’ve just had a half an hour conversation with her in her half-sleep about clock radios. Why we should set the clock radio and what we are planning to do with our day once the clock radio has gone off. Where is the clock radio? Have I plugged it in? Have I set it? What station is it tuned into? This wouldn’t be a problem at all, of course if we did have the day together and we didn’t have to work.
Or if we had a clock radio in the first place.
Perhaps it is a subtle sign. Perhaps her subconscious is telling me without her knowledge that she actually desires a clock radio. This makes me lie awake and obsess about where one should buy a clock radio in this day and age and how much one should spend. I lie awake and stare at the ceiling, thinking about clock radios and when I checked yesterday the progress of ‘Ultimate Burlesque’, which had slipped to Number 5 in the erotica charts and Number 10 in the short story charts and that above my beloved charity compilation at Number 9 in the latter, was a clock radio. In the short story fiction charts at Number 9. A fucking clock radio.
This then reminds me of every time I have signed onto Amazon in the past and have been instantly thrust into the world of recommendations and every time I do this I realise that they have shit for brains if they are recommending the Kite Runner of Shopaholic to me and that all of the frantic panic a few years back from my work place about this website being the future and it being the end of the bookshop was, as I suspected, a load of bollocks. It must be, if they are recommending me Shopaholic and Sister. I mean, where’s the fucking logic there?
So, procrastinate I am. Obsess in my bed I do, about what I need to do. What I need to obsess about today or be paranoid about. Or if we have enough cat food, or electricty to last the month. And what if the electricty has run out and while I lie here, all the food in the freezer (including the Christmas turkey leftovers from two years ago) is melting away into large pools on the kitchen lino. Perhaps I should get up and check. After all, I need to check the door too. I have visions of the crack whore and her buddies creeping in and stabbing us with needles in our sleep.
I’m glad I have taken to sleeping with a kitchen knife under the bed. Because when they come, I’ll be ready.
Then the calm still is broken once more as the bedside light flicks on and my girlfriend wakes up with a fright. The opposite arm to the one that jabbed me in the eye has hit the switch on the wall by mistake. She sits up with a jolt and screams like she is being raped or something. I just lie there and chuckle to myself.
“Why did you turn on the light?” she asks.
“The light on your side of the bed, you mean?”
“Yeah, that gave me a fright…” she sighs, calming down.
“What did I turn it on with? The power of my mind?”
“Ugh,” she exhales. “I did it again, didn’t I?”
“Yup,” I clarify. “Third time this week…”
“Sorry, did I wake you?”
“You could say that.”
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It wasn’t because I didn’t care. I love crack heads. And I completely appreciate the value of life that they bring to society and their valued contribution to the fundamentals of the economy, especially during this financial crisis, but it wasn’t that. I just wasn’t surprised.
I’ve had an odd relationship with the crack head upstairs. And remember, when I refer to Angela as a crack head, I mean it fondly. In fact, actually… I don’t think I’m being fair on her, she‘s not a crack head. I do believe the more appropriate and correct socio-political classification for her being on this vast sprawling earth is a crack whore.
Now, I know it’s not fair to judge. But I do believe it is a fair judgment. After all, this assumption (and it is purely based on thus) is that she is also selling her drug-addled Jamaican-born torso for money is that not only does she shag the men that she picks up on the Harrow Road in our communal hallway (often leaning against our front door), but she often spends the very early mornings cracked out of her eye stalks, half naked on the stair case, screaming the place down and launching racial slurs and insults at nobody in particular.
So, the initial amount of sympathy that I have for her on a general basis is quite minor, to be fair. Plus, it was only last week that she pulled a knife on me.
Now, stop fretting. There was no way she would have hurt me at all. Firstly, she was spangled on class A drugs (which often put me off taking just from there mere thought of them being brought through customs up some guys arse. I‘m kinky, but not that kinky) and secondly, she wouldn’t even have the balls sober knifing anyone who knows where she lives.
I arrived back to the flat from work and was checking the mail. Immediately and as I was flicking through the collection of bank statements and Sure Start vouchers, I came across a funny smell. Well, it wasn’t a funny smell. It was clearly recognisable straight away.
Shit.
Human shit at that.
I was right. Low and behold, at the bottom of the pile of letters was a shit covered letter. An opened, shit-covered letter. A bill actually. Well, a it was more of a demand from the council tax people. And it was for a lot of money for the flat upstairs
…and covered in shit.
Now, I’m no Sherlock Holmes, but I can only suspect that my friend, the crack whore displayed a sense of annoyance upon opening said letter and further acted upon her protest by wiping her arse with the bill.
She’d done a good job too. It was quite well covered in shit. To the point where it did lead me to wonder whether smoking copious amount of crack cocaine gives you the runs or something. I make a mental note to ask anybody I went to school with that still lives in my hometown and turn to head to the stairs.
“BLAAAADDDCLAAAAT”
“I’m sorry?” I say to the voice in the dark, sat at the bottom of the stairs. As I got closer, I realised who it was and wondered whether she wanted her letter back.
“BLAAAAADDDCLLLAAAATTTT!”
“Ok…” I mused. “Do you think I could get by?”
She babbled something else in patois that I think resembled something about causing me some harm to my genitals.
“Seriously, I just want to go home. You can stay here and enjoy yourself.”
Her face turns from anger and rage into a bubbling sorrowful mess.
“I’M ON THA CRACK, I AM…”
“Yes, I can see. Can I just get past?” I motion.
“THA CRACK! THA CRACK! ON THA PIPE!”
“Indeed, well good day…”
She vaults to her feet and stands further in my way and brandishing a pen knife. I look at her pathetically. Probably fortunately for her I don’t react to this and it’s probably even luckier for her that this is not the first time I have been threatened with a knife.
“I’LL CAT YA…”
I used to do the ’dance of the crack heads’ most days back in Middlesbrough during my 20 minute walk to my work, at the town’s only 4 star hotel. My day’s short commute back then consisted of at least one attempted mugging (this was just on the way to my 9am start) and usually 2 or 3 offers of sex on the street (and that wasn’t because I am so damn cute) that often meant that my rejecting their advances often resulted in violence, due to their frustrations at my reluctance to help them get their next fix.
Back in my hallway, I cock my head to one side and smile at her and the hand pointing the knife at the middle of my body falls to one side, forlornly and I take the opportunity of squeezing past her.
That was the last time I saw her, that was until I returned from my previously mentioned journey to the library the other day and noticed a police van outside the flat.
Normally, to most of you, that is probably your worst nightmare, right? Walking down your street and having the fact that something MIGHT be wrong with your nearest and dearest as you get closer and having the awful, possible scenario dawn upon you only to burst down the door, look desperately around each room and announce,
“Darling! Is everything ok??!” like you are some sort of white knight that is here to save the day. Yeah, not in my building.
“Great, the crack whore is playing up again…” is what I murmur to myself as I get closer to my building and notice the activity of the attending officials. That’s not because I am heartless. It’s just born from tireless experience. There’s not a week that goes by that they are not called to some sort of domestic upstairs. From what I can tell (and again, purely based on assumption and the broken English rattling around the corridor) is that she brings back guys to her apartment (which she couldn’t do before because the kids were there, but that issue is resolved now they are with social services when she went into rehab), and then for whatever reason they don’t want to leave. Which leads to arguments, fights etc (often late into the night) and at some point, the rozzers are called and the guy in question is shackled and led away rather crudely.
Which brings me back right up-to-date and the policeman’s curiosity, of sorts. As I pass the police van, I notice a rather serious officer interviewing Angela inside. I walk past a CSI North Kensington dusting for prints in the doorway. He nods at me and I duck under the crime scene tape.
I get to my floor and a policeman is there waiting with questions. I can’t help him. The crack head is already dead. But perhaps he wouldn’t have been if they had taken a more logical approach one of the many other times that they visited or if any of our previous complaints about getting rid of the crack whore from our building didn’t go ignored.
But no. The crack head is already dead and there’s nothing I can do about that and there’s no real information that I can give that would solve his mystery. The look on his face changes and I think he can tell that too.
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